Why I'm here.

"You're going to bury yourself with your dust if you don't have destructive rituals." -- Ursula le Guin.

A project I've been working on for a while is decluttering. It started with my closet and my pantry, and swept all through the house, washing away books and shoes and cups no longer needed or wanted. 

Then it started moving deeper. I shred and recycled a decade's worth of journals, not in the misguided belief that I would be excising those parts of myself, but in an attempt to lessen the physical load. I carry those memories and other selves inside of me; I don't need to lug around a heavy box of papers, too. 

At first my goal in decluttering was to bring a sense of calm to the house, to have less to clean and maintain and move around with me. But it's evolved to be about clearing all sorts of things away to make my life the purest expression of myself that I can make it -- how I use my time; what I focus on; what I attend to; living in my values. I want to cut off the threads that no longer serve me. I want to hone my edge.


So I've quit Facebook. And no more Pinterest, Etsy or Amazon wishlists either -- for me those sites were more a form of virtual hoarding than a useful tool. But the big thing is quitting Facebook. When I told my husband I was leaving it, he asked me what if someone sends out invitations for something on Facebook and forgets us since neither of us now has an account. That very well could happen. But I'd like to think that if someone really wants us to attend something, they'll remember us.

I will miss seeing the daily details of people's lives, and I will most definitely miss seeing pictures of all the sweet babies I love. I've reconnected with some old friends through Facebook, and that's been really cool. But mostly it's been a huge time suck for me, continually checking my feed in search of a new hit of information. It's also been a source of envy for me, even knowing that we tend to carefully edit our lives online. 

Most of all, I think, is that I've been wishing for deeper connection with people for so long, and holding onto Facebook as a poor substitute for that. My experience has been that it's all too easy to act as if "liking" someone's posts and seeing -- but not even commenting on! -- their pictures and posts means that I'm doing the deep work of friendship. "I'd love to have long, meaningful conversations with people and leisurely pots of tea, and Facebook doesn't fulfill me in that way, but what if this is all I can get?" But what if holding on to this thing that doesn't feed me is what's blocking what I do want?

Last night I had a brief text message exchange with a dear friend. I think we sent about ten messages total, but just connecting with her in that one-on-one way was so wonderful and nourishing, in a way that I don't think I've felt on Facebook. (Ok, except for seeing cute baby photos.) That's what I want. That's what I'm creating space for.

Part of me feels that a blog is a more narcissistic form of Facebook, but I'm also hoping that it can be a space for slower reflection, deeper musings -- things that are not Facebook's strength. And please know that I don't judge anyone for using social media -- heck, I may come back someday when I've worked through some things -- but this is what I need to do for myself, right now. I hope that we can have some good conversations, here or elsewhere. 

P.S. In case you're wondering, I picked the name "Stairway into Time" because I wanted a reference to the old "Dark Shadows" TV Series, and I figured "Todd's Antique Shop" or "Collinsport Inn" was too much like a real business to be good for a rambly blog. The Stairway Into Time was a mystical stairway used for traveling back and forth in time, or between parallel realities. Plus I thought it sounded kind of cool.